Reflecting on My Internet Persona: A Caution

Creative Commons license. Image by Eugene Zemlyanskiy.

Like most people these days, I have been sharing articles, ideas, and opinions on the Internet for several years. I'm on Facebook, which is where most of this sharing -- and the conversations that have sprung out of it -- have taken place. When I look back on these years of social media interaction, I have some regrets that are worth processing.

Without conscious intention, I developed a persona for my social media involvement: someone who engages in controversial conversations; who is politically liberal and socially progressive; and who is Mormon, but in an odd and contradictory way -- somewhat of a fringe Mormon, it would appear. I've posted a lot about gender issues, doubt, and homosexuality, all within the context of Mormonism. I'm male, straight, a feminist, and a Mormon. But I've openly expressed, on some occasions, disagreement with Church leaders and policies.

I don't mean this to be confessional, and those are not what I am referring to when I mention my regrets. I own all those elements of my Internet persona, and I feel like I have always been respectful in expressing my views and inviting people to consider ideas.

But allowing the more controversial aspects of my identity and perspective to take center stage on my personal social media account has taken its toll on me. Family members, acquaintances from my days as a missionary, and other friends and colleagues have reacted to my posts with a level of energy that I would otherwise just never expect them to expend on my behalf, without the Internet.

I will say this: their frustration with me is not painless on my end. Now, when I run into old friends from my mission or from my many years as an MTC teacher, I catch myself assuming, awkwardly, that they must think I have gone completely off the rails -- a rogue, not to be trusted, fallen Mormon. I have this image that they probably see me and think back to the sons of Mosiah, and think, oh man, Derrick is not my brother in the Lord anymore.

But here's where most of the pain comes in: in reality, from my perspective, I am every bit as Mormon as I ever have been, and I would describe the vast majority of my identity as a Mormon to be completely in line with standard expectations: I have always been active in my congregation, I have always carried in full faith and honesty a temple recommend, which certifies that I support leaders I may on occasion disagree with. Being Mormon -- a believing Mormon -- is, and always has been, a huge part of who I am. Not just culturally, but according to my behavior and beliefs.

In person, I think, there has always been very little controversy to who I am. I'm not combative or confrontational. I appear to enjoy church a lot (because I do). I don't press people to define or defend (or rethink) their views. But online, I have found myself doing just that.

Which leads me to these reflections. Was it worth it? If I could wind back the clock 3 or 4 years, would I censor myself more?

The answer, for me, despite my occasional sadness, is definitely no. It turns out having a public persona has allowed me to reach a new level of honesty with how I express myself. When I post something, I know that my audience is my family, my friends, and professional contacts that I have made. Some of them will agree with me when I express an opinion, and some will not. And knowing that has given me pause -- which I am ultimately grateful for -- before I phrase something the way I do.

I pine for the days when everybody saw my cheerful, faithful, in-person persona and never knew there was any other part of me. But at the end of the day, I'm grateful to be more exposed.